dear followers (faggots)

Its been a while since I made a post. During the time i started and was operating this blog I was in an outpatient rehab facility (after completing my 28 day stay at an inpatient rehab). This was not because i was a drug addict, but because allegedly I had crashed my car into one car, then backed it up into a second car after taking an allegedly large cocktail of drugs including more ambien then anyone should allegedly take before driving in a car (any amount of ambien is too much ambien). After doing my time in a rehab facility one then outpatient, all charges were dropped because i got a bomb ass lawyer and the arresting officer the night i decided to play bumper cars was incompetent. Anyway, me and my girlfriend started this blog because it was a very sober time for me and we didnt have much to do. but dont worry u donkey fuckers, i am back and will post more stuff from now on. Im glad all 3 of you followers who actually followed me because u like the content (and not all my other followers who followed because i followed like 700 people) took the time to read this. you can go back to fucking your mother now.

edit: my girlfriend also wants to let u guys know that she is back too.

captain america civil war review

i haven’t seen the movie

haven’t seen it, won’t see it, def won’t watch it

a bunch of space guys from outer space get together and kiss each other

i’m gonna give it a 0 out of 10

worst movie for sure

the reason they call it captain america civil war is bc if u started watching it in whatever year the civil war began it would still be on. because the movie is long. it’s a long movie. another reason its called that is that captain america is in the movie

anyone that watches it or likes it is stupid. i would know, i’m smart

 

rip in peace lenny

hello all. my dog lenny, a chinese shar pei, died last month, who i raised from a puppy and lived with for eleven years. i still remember when my mom brought him home one day when i was a middle school freshman, i loved him so much. lenny was my best friend, and i wanted to be close to him after he died, spiritually and physically as well. my mom suggested getting him taxidermied, but i decided to take it a step further: i had lenny ‘prepared,’ and his meat frozen so me and my mommy could eat it as a family. sometimes things become ‘too real’ after you start doing them, though, and after getting the cut up pieces of lenny’s ‘meat’ (my dad calls them ‘lenny steaks’) i became disgusted and mortified at what i had done. my mommy suggested we just bury the meat in the yard like we would have anyway but i don’t want to do that. i frankly cannot live with these steaks buried in my backyard, bc they remind me of what i did to lenny’s body. also they shouldn’t go to waste. if u would like a ‘lenny steak’ i will send you one for $10 ($7 for followers, $5 for toni1964blog). the money will go towards a jet ski for me and my extremely good looking boyfriend (u may know him by the picture of his balls) anyway, let me know. please help. my family is dying

spring/summer 2016 trend predictions !!!

well folks it’s that time of year we all know and love… spring. here are my predictions for the spring and upcoming summer season:

having an umbrella when it rains

kissing a family member

not recycling

burnt toast

getting a car to hit u

hurting ur neck

water with lemon

blowing into a mug of hot tea

gourds

smothering ur crush

parking

doing puzzles on adderall

bomb shelters

a pigeon that looks wet for unknown reasons

eye contact

first base

the jokes on laffy taffies

crossing guards

answering the door

subway (the sandwich place)

giving me my lighter back

peeking in windows

asking for help at whole foods

canned food

controlled demolitions

…..

……..

[abandon blog post]

Legal advice

If I ever get married I’m wondering if there is some sort of prenup that I can get written up that doesn’t involve keeping my money but that involves my hypothetical wife not being allowed to use this blog against me in the divorce. Because I could see some serious issues getting child custody with some of the shit I’ve said here. 

Thanks. Asking for a friend. 

Legal Advice

I am going to court soon for (allegedly) blacking out on un-named pills and un-named liquid beverage (allegedly), and driving my car and crashing it into not one but two parked cars (allegedly), and then waking up in police custody. Of course I don’t know if any of this ever happened because I don’t remember any of it. Should I enter a plea of a) guilty (HAHHAHA not true) b) not guilty because I was framed c) not guilty cuz insanity d) not guilty because self defense (those two parked cars came out of nowhere allegedly) e) not guilty and bribe cops and kill witnesses (JOKING… CHILL)

Thanks. Not even joking lol

Also, jetski:

https://www.gofundme.com/givemejetski